


Idèe Fixe

by Noriselly



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, College Student Rey (Star Wars), Darkish Reylo, Eventual Smut, F/M, Kylo worships her, Obsessive Kylo Ren, POV Kylo Ren, Rey is an understanding goddess, Snoke Being a Dick, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-03-17 03:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13650168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noriselly/pseuds/Noriselly
Summary: As CEO of First Order Industries, Kylo Ren was living the life he wanted and thought he had everything he needed. Meeting Rey proved him wrong. After that, a singular thought consumed him--Rey was his.





	1. Voyeur

**Author's Note:**

> An idée fixe is a preoccupation of mind believed to be firmly resistant to any attempt to modify it, a fixation. The name originates from the French idée, "idea" and fixe, "fixed." (Wiki)
> 
> Fixation/obsession aka Kylo Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a brief glimpse into Kylo's fixation with Rey. Kylo is not in the healthiest frame of mind at this point. Rey is living her life, completely unaware of what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Idèe Fixe! Kylo "I'm not a creepy stalker" Ren has some issues but he will learn and grow as we go along. For now, Rey will remain in the dark about Kylo's unhealthy hobby but not forever. She is a tough and smart cookie, after all. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy the ride. 
> 
> *Minor updates on 03/21/18*

_She was so lonely_ , he thought as he watched her from the shadows. Kylo Ren always hid in the same spot--behind the overgrown bushes and trees that surrounded her older apartment building. Rey really wasn’t that safe here but Kylo knew it was all she could afford on her tight budget as a student and waitress. Soon enough she would never have to worry about anything ever again. Kylo would make sure of it.

 

She walked across the parking lot carrying a heavy backpack. Rey was wearing a faded black sweater and old jeans with her chestnut brown hair pulled back into a messy bun. She moved with a grace and dignity that defied her situation in life and all the hardships that she had endured. As always, her head was held high and her shoulders back. His Rey knew this confidence would help ward off any one approaching her. This was just one of the many reasons he had fallen in love with her.

 

And fallen in love with her he had, despite his disbelief in love at first sight. His own parents’ marriage had been miserable with him caught in the crossfire. On top of that, his only other living relative, an uncle, was a hermit who lived like a monk because he was one. Kylo had no idea what a positive relationship looked like. He was an adult before he realized that it was not healthy for a husband and wife to scream at each other every day. This was the life Ben Solo had been born into and all the money and status of his family did nothing to comfort the shy and lonely boy.  

 

As Ben outgrew his awkwardness, he eventually fit into his 6’3" frame with a muscular build to match. He also grew his hair out a bit to cover the ears he’d been teased about his whole life. By the time he had entered graduate school for his MBA, he had been recruited to First Order Industries as an apprentice to its chairman, Zagan Snoke. Snoke even encouraged Ben, now the CEO, to change his name to Kylo Ren, effectively leaving his old life behind.

 

In Snoke, Kylo saw a strong, ambitious leader who took what he wanted and damned anyone who got in his way. He endeavored to fill the vacancy that the ailing and frail Snoke would soon leave behind. He did everything he could to prove he was the worthy successor--not his brownosed rival, Armitage Hux. When Snoke gave an order, Kylo followed it.

 

The hours were long and the work stressful but the payoff would be worth it in the end. Kylo was already making six figures and he had earned Snoke’s trust and confidence. He lived the way he wanted with Snoke’s approval, drove the fastest cars, wore the best suits, and fucked whoever he wanted. When it all became too much, he would hit the whiskey bottle until he passed out then wake up hungover but ready to start the cycle all over again. Kylo thought he had everything...meeting Rey proved him wrong.  

 

When asked by his alma mater to be a guest lecturer in corporate communications, he had reluctantly agreed. Rey had been one of the students. It was fate. The first time their eyes had met, Kylo _knew_ that this young woman was special and would change his life. The shy smile she’d greeted him with sent a mild shock through his body. She didn’t know it--still didn’t--but from that moment on, she owned him.

 

Kylo dedicated his limited free time to learning her habits, her schedule and all the personal information he could find. He knew that her parents had abandoned her as a small child. He knew about the foster homes and hints of abuse and neglect. He knew that her impressive grades had earned her a scholarship. Rey had very few friends to speak of, but Kylo knew all about them as well.

 

Kylo considered it his duty to keep Rey safe and part of that was being familiar with her social circle. Luckily for him, his love was an introvert who preferred staying at home to study and read rather than partying. Compared to him, she was so clean and so pure. Kylo didn’t know how he would ever deserve her but that wouldn’t stop him from trying.  

 

He watched Rey until she was safely locked inside of her apartment. Yes, she was capable of defending herself, but he worried just the same. Once she was out of sight, Kylo made his way back to the old truck he used just for this and drove home. As soon as he arrived, he got comfortable in bed and opened up the home security app on his iPhone.

 

 

For her safety, he’d had cameras set up all over her place that only he could access. When he first considered installing the equipment, he agonized over the decision. Kylo admitted to himself that he felt like a creepy stalker. His concern for her safety convinced him he was doing the right thing. If he happened to learn more about her during this private time, that would just be a bonus.

 

Kylo lived for those moments--flashes of her intimate life that only he had the privilege of seeing. For example, Rey loved to watch My Little Pony but kept that a secret. When she was alone, she liked to eat with her hands. She had a beautiful singing voice and always sang in the shower or bath. She nurtured several houseplants and wished she could afford a cat. 

 

Kylo couldn't deny that he enjoyed seeing her pleasure herself. His mind was warped into thinking of it as educational like he was learning how to touch and satisfy her. Rey loved the tease of it all, slowly building up her orgasm. And when she climaxed? His sweet girl would cuss like a sailor. He couldn’t wait to hear her scream his name too. Hopefully. 

 

All of this would really help their relationship later on and she would understand how much she meant to him. If he could ever be so lucky. 

 

He could tell from the way she laid down that Rey was in that kind of mood. She had gone to bed naked after her shower and her legs were already spread wide. No teasing for her tonight--her fingers went straight for her clit and stayed there. Kylo yanked his clothes off and followed her lead, slicking his hand and gripping his cock.

 

She was amazing--the way she would move her fingers in tiny strokes. He imagined the tip of his tongue swirling around and licking into her. The hand working himself moved faster as the other cupped and squeezed his balls.

 

Rey was getting close. He could tell from her hitched breaths and moans but the teasing wasn't enough. She slipped two fingers inside her core and that finished it for both of them. Rey’s body arched up and she didn't stop until she was too sensitive to the touch. 

 

He whispered her name over and over again, wishing she would turn her lovely, flushed face to the camera. What he got instead was so much better.

 

“Kylo, Kylo…” she whispered into quiet of her room.

 

_Rey was thinking of him?_ Kylo was thrilled.This told him that maybe she was ready to accept him; to understand that they belonged together.

 

Then he could finally tell her how much he loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my betas shwtlee and reylorobyn2011 for supporting this madness ;)


	2. It's a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After reminiscing on how it all began with Rey, Kylo takes the initiative and makes contact. It's his lucky day and Rey agrees to a coffee date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all :) This was a tough chapter to write because I wanted their first date to be perfect (because things have to be going great before shit hits the fan, right?).  
> Maz swooped in out of nowhere and saved the day. Bless her.

_Before_

  


Kylo was pissed. He’d been asked to lecture at his alma mater--something he absolutely did not want to do even if he had the free time. Snoke disagreed. He insisted that Kylo should never pass up this kind of opportunity; that the networking and connections would be worth it. End of discussion.

 

When he arrived for the lecture, he was in a very sour mood. He brightened up as he noticed all the students looking his way with greed and lust in their eyes. Maybe this wouldn’t be a total waste after all.

 

He approached the lectern with Starbucks in one hand and an iPad in the other. Kylo briefly looked up to see the students that had gathered. His breath hitched and he completely lost his train of thought. There in the front row, a lovely young woman was sitting towards the end. What caught his attention, besides her natural beauty, was how quiet and attentive she was. She seemed to be genuinely focused on what he going to say rather than who he was. Kylo found this refreshing. He felt drawn to her and wanted to know her better, but first he had to get through this damn lecture.

 

During his speech, he found himself gazing in her direction way more than necessary. She paid attention the whole time and even flashed him a little smile. By the end of the hour, Kylo knew he was in serious trouble. He wanted her, mind and body. He needed to possess her, be consumed by her.

 

At the end of the lecture, Kylo was eager to meet the woman before she left the hall. He made the spontaneous decision to step down from the stage and greet the audience. Kylo headed straight for her. She had stood up to leave but was boxed in by the others waiting to greet Kylo. He politely yet firmly made his way to her. Finally they were face to face. She had light brown hair, styled half up, half down, bright hazel eyes and freckles. And...were those dimples?

 

Kylo held out his hand as his introduced himself to her. As they shook hands, he noticed that his hand practically swallowed hers.

 

“Hello, Mr. Ren. My name is Rey Marek.”

 

He greeted her without breaking eye contact. “Rey, it's a pleasure to meet you. Did you enjoy my lecture?”

 

Rey smiled. “Very much so, yes. Thank you.” She looked around her at the others wanting Kylo’s attention. “I'd better get going. It was nice to meet you, Mr. Ren.”

 

Her departure left him feeling cold like he was suddenly missing something vital. He turned and addressed the others waiting to speak with him. None of the conversations made sense even though he was engaged in them. All the flirting thrown his way went ignored. Kylo was on autopilot; the only thing that mattered at that moment was Rey.

 

Before he even arrived home that night, he had his people working on her background. He had already learned this much: Rey Marek, 21 years old, education major. Kylo needed to know everything about her. In his mind, she was already his. And he completely, hopelessly belonged to her.

  


_Now_

  


Kylo was an impatient man and they had wasted enough time. He needed to take the lead and make contact with his Rey. A nonchalant run-in with her on campus seemed like the safest plan. It would be an easy enough cover story and Rey would feel comfortable there.  

 

He chose a random Tuesday afternoon in between her classes. Kylo dressed casually in jeans, knowing his suits would probably put her off. He had Rey’s schedule memorized and made sure he was in the right place at the right time. Looking up, Kylo saw her as she walked towards him. Rey startled when she noticed him but continued walking anyway.

 

Kylo was about to call out to her when Rey surprised him and spoke first.

 

“Mr. Ren? Back for another lecture?” She hitched her bag up higher on her shoulder as she spoke.

 

Kylo was stunned. At the sound of her voice, he felt his ever-present anxiety ease. This was his Rey. There would be no pretense with her, no deceit. The thought stung his conscience; he would need to explain his actions to her. Even he knew that a relationship could not be built on a foundation of lies and omissions. A whisper of fear shot down his spine. _What if she didn't forgive him?_ Kylo shoved the doubt to the back of his mind and focused on Rey.

 

“Hello. Rey, wasn't it?”

 

He extended his palm out and Rey shook his hand. Kylo was certain his hand was shaking; Rey’s hand was confident and strong. _An anchor,_ he realized. Rey was his anchor, a lifeline keeping him grounded and steady. He loved her even more.

 

“Yes, sir. I'm surprised you remembered.” She blushed, the freckled cheeks taking on a rosy hue.

 

The sweet blush affected Kylo more than any cosmetic effect or erotic gesture ever had. He remembered how she'd whispered his name, her skin flushed and dewy after her orgasm. Kylo needed her in his life; anything less would destroy him.  

 

He smiled. “Of course, Rey. You were one of the few actually paying attention. And please, call me Kylo. Are you done for the day?”

 

“Yes, yes I am. Why do you ask?” Rey tilted her head a little in curiosity.  

 

Kylo smiled. _He was so close!_ “Well, I was hoping you would join me for a late lunch. Or we could call it an early dinner?”

 

As he saw suspicion on Rey’s features, he began to sweat a little. Rejection was imminent. He was transported back to his days as a gangly, pimpled teenager. _How did she affect him like this? He was Kylo fucking Ren, goddammit! Stupid, pathetic Ben Solo was dead and buried._

 

Desperation trumped his pride at that moment as he hastily offered an alternative. “Or just coffee. No pressure. You just...I-I’d just like to get to know you better.”

 

Rey crossed her arms and looked him in the eyes. Kylo assumed she was gauging his sincerity. “Why me? I’m assuming you could have anyone you want.”

 

“I don't want anyone else; it's you I'm interested in.” Kylo was sure that was the most honest statement he'd ever said to a woman. _God, he was such a dick._

 

“Just coffee,” she said with a sigh. “Kylo, I should warn you that I don't play games. If that's what you're looking for, I'm not the one.”

 

His Rey was tough and he loved her for it. “You couldn't be more wrong about that, Rey. Ready?”

  
  


At first, Rey had been reluctant to accept a ride from Kylo. It could’ve been him or it could’ve been his Tesla Roadster intimidating her--he wasn’t sure. Either way, she looked surprised when he held the door open for her. This broke Kylo’s heart; he couldn't wait to show Rey what it meant to be cherished and appreciated. Worshipped really.

 

After she texted someone, he assumed with details of where she was going and who with, she was more relaxed. Immediately, her phone had started going off with constant pings. Rey blushed a little in embarrassment and mumbled “I’m sorry” as she silenced her phone.

 

Kylo mistakenly assumed they were headed for the typical Starbucks around the corner. He really should have known better with Rey. She guided them to a little café located 15 minutes away from campus. Rey kept up a nervous chatter during their short drive. She mostly talked about how she had known the owner, a little spitfire named Maz Kanata, since high school. Helping out at the café had been Rey’s first job and Maz had been like a mother to her.

 

Kylo would've been content listening to her talk for hours. He loved the cadence and unique accent of her voice. Their trip was far too brief. Kylo became lost in a daydream of them taking a long drive, talking about anything, and finding a quiet spot for a picnic...followed by him feasting on her for dessert.

 

“Kylo? Kyyylo?” Rey lilted, trying to catch his attention. “We're here.”

 

She pointed out the window to the quaint little café nestled among the historical downtown of the city. The exterior of Café Rosamie was painted a sage green with black metal accents around the door and windows. The style, and the menu, was a reflection of Maz’s native New Orleans.

 

Kylo noticed Rey had a big smile on her face as they entered the business. A New Orleans aesthetic dominated the decor with just enough green, purple, and gold to make it colorful but not gaudy. Jazz music was playing softly from hidden speakers. The numerous patrons seemed relaxed and content. Kylo noticed there was a beaded curtain entrance to the side extending the café into the next building.

 

“Rey! Chéri!” A distinctive voice shouted. Popping out from around the counter was a diminutive older woman with huge, round thick rimmed glasses and beautiful dark skin.

 

Kylo stood aside awkwardly as Rey gave the woman an affectionate hug. Maz peeked around Rey and stared Kylo down.

 

“Who is the boy, Rey?”

 

Rey smiled again and encouraged Kylo forward. “This is Kylo Ren. He’s a friend from school. Kylo meet Maz Kanata.”

 

Kylo recoiled from being called “a friend" when he already considered himself so much more. He had to remind himself that realistically he wasn't anything more than an acquaintance. Friend was truly a generous term. _His Rey was simply amazing._

 

“Ma’am, pleased to meet you.” Kylo’s hand looked like a bear paw when he shook hands with Maz. She held onto his hand for just a second too long as she peered into his face.

 

The hair on Kylo’s neck stood up. He _knew_ this woman could see much more than what he presented. Her magnified eyes narrowed slightly as she released his hands.

 

“ _Kylo_ . Hmm, interesting. Come, children, this way.” Maz led Rey and Kylo to sit in a booth by the window. She _tsked_ as Kylo picked up the menu from the side of the table.

 

“No need for that, big man. I already know what you want. Be back soon.” With that cryptic message, she shuffled off to the kitchen.

 

Rey laughed at Kylo’s befuddled expression. “Are you ok? Maz can be quite the experience for first-timers.”

 

“She's, ah, different.”

 

“Yes, she is, and very special. She has a sixth sense about her. It can be almost creepy at times.”

 

Kylo’s eyes were drawn back to the beaded curtains. He nodded his head in that direction. “Is that another part of the café? A reserved room or something.”

 

“Um, you could say that…” Rey leaned forward and whispered. “It's her voodoo shop. Maz is a high priestess.”

 

Kylo stared at the green and gold in Rey’s eyes then looked over to the kitchen area. He could hear Maz but not see her. “C’mon, Rey. Really? That stuff doesn't exist.”

 

She laughed again. _Damn! He loved that._

 

“Don't be such a skeptic, Kylo. She'll convince you soon enough.”

 

Their conversation lapsed into a comfortable silence. Kylo reflected that things were going well and it bolstered his self-esteem. A nagging voice reminded him that sooner or later he would have to tell Rey _everything._ But not today…

 

A few minutes later, Maz returned with a tray full of food. She set a plate with a huge muffuletta sandwich in front of Kylo. For Rey, a plate of three beignets dusted with powdered sugar. Large mugs of café au lait topped off their meal. Maz headed back to the kitchen without a word.  

 

Kylo was surprised. “H-how did she do that? I love these,” he remarked as he picked a quarter of his sandwich.

 

Rey just grinned around a mouthful of fried doughnut. They chatted casually in between bites. She asked about his work; he asked about her plans for the future.

 

They were sipping on their coffees when Kylo noticed a smudge of powdered sugar at the corner of Rey’s mouth.

 

“You have--here, let me.” He stretched out his hand and wiped away the sugar with his thumb. Unable to resist the urge, he sucked the sweetness off his finger.

 

Rey gawked at him like she couldn't believe he just did that. “Thank you.”

 

She said it so quietly, he almost didn't catch it. Rey dug into her bag and left cash on the table.  

 

Kylo was quick to protest. “No, Rey, my treat. Please, I insist.”

 

“It's on the house. Just leave Maz a good tip,” Rey explained.

 

Kylo followed Rey’s lead and placed a generous amount of cash on the table. They were met by Maz waiting for them at the door. She enveloped Rey in another hug and told her to visit more often. Kylo thanked her for the meal. Rey went out to the sidewalk. Just before he left, Maz grabbed his arm in a strong grip and moved closer.

 

“I _see_ you. I know what you've been doing. If you really love her, you will stop and tell her the truth. Now!” Behind her glasses, her eyes were sharp and cold.

 

Kylo didn't even bother to deny it or feign ignorance. “I do love her, more than anything. And I will tell her.”

 

Maz squinted at him. “Good, but if you hurt her, I _will_ find you, big man.” She turned back to her other customers.

 

In a daze,Kylo walked to his car where Rey was waiting patiently.

 

“What was that about? Let me guess? If you hurt me, she'll kill you and feed you to the gators,” Rey said with a smirk.

 

Kylo did not answer until he was behind the wheel and safely strapped in. “Something like that.”

 

Rey gave him directions to her apartment. She hadn't noticed that Kylo slipped up and started that way before she said anything. When they arrived so did that awkward moment of goodbye. His Rey, of course, took the lead.

 

“I had a good time with you, Kylo.”

 

“Does that surprise you, Rey?” Kylo teased.

 

“Well...yeah actually it does. I'm not sure what you see in me but I'm kinda glad you did,” she admitted.

 

Kylo shook his head in disapproval. “You're perfect, Rey. Don't ever doubt that. I know I won't.” The statement left his Rey speechless.

 

Kylo exited and went around to help Rey out. “When can we do this again?”

 

“Eager are we?” Rey quirked an eyebrow. “Do you want my number?”

 

_Already have it, along with your social security number and a copy of your birth certificate._ “Sure.”

 

They exchanged numbers and Rey stood up on her toes to give him a peck on the cheek.

“See you around, Ren.”

  


Kylo didn't remember the drive home. Or the shower he took. Or the two fingers of whiskey he tossed back. All he could think of as he laid down in bed was the feel of Rey’s warm lips against his cheek.

 

He drifted into a peaceful sleep--without spying on Rey in her apartment.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm winging this one without a beta so all mistakes are on me *bows in humble apology*


	3. Rey is a doll and Snoke is a dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo learns that being patient is tough. He and Rey become closer. And Kylo gives us a glimpse of working with Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you for your patience ❤  
> I wanted to get at least one more Reylo date in and it had to be just right. 
> 
> **Fair warning--Snoke is a huge misogynistic asshole. His "advice" regarding women is disgusting just like him. Also, Bazine Natal makes an appearance as the bitch extraordinaire and there is a mention of past flings with Kylo. It's nothing explicit and will never happen again.**

Kylo was anxious. He needed to see Rey again. He had never been a patient person to begin with and now that he almost had her, going slow was frustrating. She deserved it, for sure, but the spoiled brat he had become wanted her _now._

 

He held his iPhone in his hand and debated. He wanted to text her already but was it too soon? Kylo had never actually dated anyone so he wasn’t sure what his next step should be. This made him feel helpless and immature, and he hated it. Even worse, feeling this way tempted the reckless side of him, the side that only cared about getting what he wanted. He could always open up the surveillance app and _see_ what she was up to but no--he shouldn’t do that anymore.

 

Rey should be getting ready for her morning class anyway. A quick glance at the time told Kylo he was running very late for work and he needed to get a move on. Any deviation from his routine would raise his boss’s suspicion. He knew that soon Snoke would discover he had left work early to meet Rey and question him.

 

Snoke. Kylo sensed that his mentor’s strong presence in his life would end up causing a problem with his relationship with Rey--if he was lucky enough to have one with her. Kylo would have to find a way to balance his devotion to Rey with his commitments to Snoke. Having to choose one over the other would be unacceptable. _Wouldn’t it?_

 

His impatience won out, sort of, and he texted a quick and simple “good morning” to Rey just before he left his apartment. As he settled into his Tesla for the commute to work, he promised himself he would not obsessively check for a response. _Really._

 

He didn’t have to wait long for a response.

 

Kylo noticed the text notification during his drive but, in a rare and short-lived spell of self-control, he refused to acknowledge it until he was safely in the privacy of his office. The elevator seemed to be going much slower than usual and the chatter of the other occupants was grating on his nerves. Normally, he kept to himself and completely ignored all the distractions. Reaching the floor he needed, he made his way past the tight crush of bodies and practically ran to his office. He didn’t even stop to greet the employees at the front desk...not that he did that on any other day.

 

He was barely three steps into his office, when there was a curt knock and Bazine Netal let herself in the door. Wearing her typical style of a tight blouse and pencil skirt and fuck-me stilettos, she sashayed into the office with a sour look on her face.

 

Bazine was the head executive assistant as well as Snoke’s personal one, and a viper from hell if crossed. She and Kylo had had their share of after hours flings on his desk and just about everywhere else in his office but that was as far as their personal relationship ever went. Kylo didn't trust the bitch.

 

“You are late, Ren. Snoke wants you in his office.” Kylo reflected on how irritating Bazine's patrician voice sounded compared to Rey’s casual tone.

 

Kylo sighed. “Tell him I'll be there in a moment, Bazine.” The viper turned on her heel with a sneer and left, slamming the door behind her.

 

Finally alone, Kylo sat at his desk and pulled out his iPhone to read Rey’s message. _Right back at you :) Busy morning ahead. I need more cafe au lait! Talk later?_

 

He answered her “later” with one of his own and silenced his cell. Sitting back in his leather chair, he turned to look out at the city skyline through the large windows of his office. Kylo needed to get up and meet with Snoke, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of being enclosed in that office to face whatever wrath was coming his way. For the first time in his adult life, he wished he could talk to someone--as long as that someone was Rey.  

 

Kylo’s many conversations with his mentor had always felt more like a forced confession than a genuine conversation, but since leaving home, Zagan Snoke had been the only person Kylo had trusted enough to confide in. Snoke encouraged Kylo’s belief that the more people you let into your life, the more you would only get hurt. Naturally, Rey had shattered that illusion with one smile.

 

Having wasted enough time, Kylo pulled himself up and walked over to Snoke’s office, ignoring Bazine on his way there. After knocking, he received a gruff command to enter.

 

All the administrative offices on this floor of First Order Industries were contemporary and austere, including Kylo’s. Black and white were the only colors displayed and the furniture was sleek and minimalistic; not so much with the space Snoke occupied.

 

He had spared no expense in decadently outfitting his large office space. The walls were adorned with expensive works of art. The plush carpet gave way to a heated marble floor in his private bath. There were rumors that a robe woven with golden thread was kept there. Ostentatious was too mild a description for Snoke’s personal taste. He sat upon his corporate throne waiting for Kylo’s approach.

 

“Ren, my young protégé. So loyal, so dedicated. Come sit, my son.”

 

Kylo did as he was told and sat in one of the luxurious leather chairs across from him. “Thank you, Chairman Snoke. What may I do for you?”

 

“I wanted to see how you were feeling, Kylo. I was informed that you left rather early yesterday afternoon. During the lunch hour, I believe. Surely, you must have been ill to leave in such a hurry without consulting me first.” Snoke’s tone was calm but underneath it was laced with steel and arsenic.

 

Goddamn Hux must have tattled on him. Kylo knew that the best lies had an element of truth. A bit of redirection wouldn't hurt either. “I had a last minute meeting with a colleague at the university. I apologize for not discussing it with you first. If another opportunity for a lecture arises, would that meet your approval?”

 

Snoke fixed his beady eyes on Kylo. “A last minute meeting,” he repeated skeptically. “Hmm, I don't believe another lecture would benefit you or, more importantly, the First Order. You haven't been yourself since...since around that time. Why?”

 

This threw Kylo into a panic. He should've known Snoke would see a difference in him and prepared for it. He tried to control his breathing as he thought of a plausible explanation. _Think, you fucker!_ _Element of truth._

 

“It's true, sir. I have been distracted and I'm afraid a silly reason was the cause. I-I met a student after the lecture and began an affair with her. I'll admit that I allowed myself to get caught up in the intensity. I apologize.”

 

Kylo shut his mouth and waited. His mentor regarded him with a shrewd gaze, gnarled fingers templed under his chin. A wheeze escaped the frail man’s chest. Kylo sat forward, thinking Snoke was about to keel over. He was wrong--Snoke was laughing, only it sounded like a cackle and the thin shoulders shook from exertion.

 

“Ah my dear, stupid boy! All this over a piece of ass? Ridiculous!” Snoke wobbly stood up and moved over to Kylo, clapping a bony hand on his shoulder. “Pussy is never worth it, son. Let the bitch go and get back to work.”

 

With a weak clap to his shoulder, Kylo was dismissed. Snoke was still wheezing as Kylo left the office to return to his own.

 

Even though his story was technically made up, Kylo imagined Snoke speaking like that about Rey and it enraged him. That certainly was not the first time Kylo had heard Snoke refer to women in such a degrading manner, but he'd ignored it, dismissing it as the nonsense ramblings of the old man.

 

_But now…God, how could he ever be the man that Rey deserved?_

  
  


Kylo felt like shit the rest of the day. Snoke’s nasty speech had left him agitated and short-tempered. Focusing on work had been difficult, and in a fit of frustration, he had sent the intern Mitaka to get him cigarettes. _The best way to cope with stress?_ No, but it was better than punching a hole in the wall or scaring clients. He just wanted this fucking day to be over so he could go home and relax, and hopefully, talk with Rey. Screw texting. He needed to hear her voice.

 

Because the day wasn't shitty enough, Kylo ended up staying late and didn't get home till after 9. He had no idea what Rey was up to and the temptation to check was overwhelming. Determined to be good, he showered, put on a pair of boxer briefs, and stepped bare chested and barefoot out onto his balcony. The crisp night air felt good on his skin and a bright quarter moon illuminated his path. Cigs and lighter, tumbler of whiskey, and iPhone in hand, he was ready.

 

His finger hovered over her name. _What if she didn't answer? What if she changed her mind about seeing him? What if, what if…_ He took a shot of liquid courage and called her. He nervously lit up a cigarette while he waited.

 

On the third ring, she answered just a little out of breath. “Hey! Hi. I almost missed you.”

This, _this_ was what he needed after the nightmare day he’d had. Kylo laughed a little. “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine. I was just ah, just getting out of the shower.”

 

He knew exactly what she would look like in this moment: skin flushed from the hot water, hair dripping wet, and a towel clutched tight around her body. Kylo pushed the image out of his mind and lighted a cigarette as a distraction. “It’s starting to get late. You did have a busy day.”

 

She sighed. “It was but not a bad one. And you? How's the cutthroat corporate world?”

 

“It's ah, cutthroat,” Kylo laughed. He took another drag of his cigarette and exhaled.

 

“Are you smoking?” Rey asked.

 

Kylo nearly dropped it, feeling like a scolded child. “I know, I know. It’s not healthy. I’m just a stress smoker. Does that make it any better?”

 

“Um, no, I don’t think it works that way,” she laughed. “What has you so stressed? Do I need to call Maz to work her magic on you?”

 

_No, no, no,_ he thought. Meeting her the first time had been more than enough to leave Kylo nervous from her ominous warning. “No, Rey, I think I’m good. You know I meant what I said about seeing you again.”

 

“Hmm, did you now? Well, I guess we’ll just have to make that happen then, won’t we?”

 

“Whenever you want, Rey. What are you doing?” He could hear her shuffling around.

 

“I’m getting settled in bed with a book. I always read at bedtime. Tonight it’s a classic. _Pride and Prejudice,”_ Rey told him.

 

Kylo had an idea and hoped Rey would be up for it. “Hang on a minute.” He put out the cigarette and went back inside to his bedroom where he got into bed like Rey.

 

“Kylo? Still there?”

 

“Yeah, I’m here. I-I have a weird favor to ask. Do you mind reading out loud?” He winced. This could go really well and Rey would say yes or she’d think he was creepy--which technically he was, his conscience reminded him.

 

“Sure, why not?” Her answer was followed by a little more shuffling and then her voice. “ _It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed…”_

 

Kylo couldn’t remember what time he fell asleep. For the second night in a row, he slept peacefully and dreamlessly.

  
  


It was over a week before they could see each other again. Kylo’s anxiety was at a peak by that time. He felt uncomfortable in his own skin, like there were ants just crawling under the surface. It didn’t help that Kylo was exhausted from working long hours to reassure Snoke of his loyalty. _As if it would ever be enough,_ his conscience prodded him.

 

Communicating with Rey, whichever way he could, turned out to be the highlight of each day.  Kylo was learning that Rey was so much more than the perfect goddess he’d created in his mind from his observations. Her intelligence and beauty were a given; underneath lay a strong will and an independence born from taking care of herself. His own family, for all their distractions and neglect, had spoiled him rotten compared to Rey’s childhood in the foster system. His Rey had deserved so much better.

  
  


Remembering her love of plants, Kylo made reservations for them at the restaurant inside the Botanical Gardens. He figured Rey would enjoy being surrounded by all the greenery, and she did. Her face had lit up when he told them where they were headed after he picked her up. She looked as lovely as ever, her chestnut hair loose and falling to her shoulders. Underneath a light sweater, she wore a short dress that showed off her toned legs. For a few seconds, Kylo became lost in a daydream of those legs wrapped tight around his hips. Catching a whiff of her minty shampoo brought him back to the present.

 

Rey shocked the hell out of him by taking his hand as they walked down the natural stone steps leading out to the themed gardens. They strolled for a while, Rey admiring the blooming spring flowers. Roses, azaleas, and tulips in a rainbow of colors and varieties lined the pathways and limestone waterfalls and bridges. _Flowers?_ Kylo was too busy surreptitiously looking Rey to notice much else.

 

They were getting close to their reservation time but stopped at the sunken gardens when Rey saw the koi pond. Before Rey, Kylo would have found it ridiculous that an adult would take such a simple pleasure in feeding fish. But with Rey? It was perfectly natural. He was almost jealous of this; Kylo couldn’t remember the last time joy came so easy to him. Surely when he was a small child? His curiosity got the better of him.

 

“How do you do that?” he asked her in awe. “You seem so happy right now.”

 

Rey brushed the crumbs of the feeding pellets off of her hands and shrugged her shoulders. “Why wouldn’t I be happy? I’m enjoying my time with you.”

 

Kylo shook his head. The idea of someone genuinely being happy to spend time with him was baffling. He and Rey walked towards the restaurant. He took her hand this time and kissed the back of it. Rey lightly squeezed his hand in return.

 

“You’ve been stuck for a long time, haven’t you?” Rey quirked her head at him.

 

Kylo thought over his answer. “I guess so. Snoke recruited me while I was still in school and I’ve devoted my life to the First Order. My personal life didn’t really matter anymore.”

“Do you want to keep living your life that way?” Rey asked him just as he opened the door for her.

 

He looked her in the eyes when he answered. “No, not anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my very patient betas shwtlee and reylorobyn2011 :) 
> 
> In case you're curious, the Dallas Arboretum and Botanical Garden was inspiration for the end of the chapter.


	4. Highfunctioning Corporate Sociopath?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo's corporate life with Snoke starts a downward spiral. This bleeds into a bad night with bad decisions for Kylo. Seeing Rey makes everything better...then she gets real with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of Snoke backhanding Kylo. 
> 
> When writing this chapter, Rey's serious talk with Kylo about his violent outbursts was not planned. It was born from Rey's practicality and self-preservation. I wanted to address it upfront and honestly. I'm sorry if it reads like a psa--that was not intentional. 
> 
> Oh and it's Finn that Rey is talking to. Best friends, nothing romantic.

It seemed that for once, fate, serendipity or whatever you wanted to call it was on Kylo’s side. Not a day passed where he and Rey didn't communicate as often as they could. The mundane was now important and the overwhelming trivial. Kylo’s whole life was changing and it was all Rey’s unconscious doing. Her bright light was thawing him in ways he didn't realize he needed. The more time they spent together, the more he fell hopelessly in love. Other facets of Kylo’s life were not as cheerful.

 

There were aspects of Kylo’s life that he was beginning to  _ hate _ and nearly all of it revolved around his work at First Order Industries. The carelessness with which Kylo had operated in for years was changing into guilt and eating away at him. 

 

Snoke’s regime had always made quick work of profiting from others’ misfortunes. Life wasn't fair and that was the way of things, but Kylo’s eyes were slowly opening. He began to see the destruction their “profits" left behind: companies terminated, thousands of employees laid off, families and whole communities affected. Kylo was complicit to all of it.

 

He tried to hide it, yet Kylo’s lack of enthusiasm had not gone unnoticed. His waning motivation had lately been the subject of many a harsh meeting with Snoke. The last meeting had ended with Snoke backhanding Kylo as Hux looked on with amusement. Snoke’s frailty prevented any real injury, but the emotional blow was more than enough to send Kylo into a dangerous freefall. 

 

That was how Kylo ended up at home, drunk off his ass, smoking like a damn chimney...and watching Rey through the surveillance he'd set up months ago. He felt disgusting but he couldn't help it. He  _ needed _ her, but showing up on her doorstep wasted and broken was not an option. Neither was slurring and possibly crying through a conversation with her. Ben Solo was rearing his pathetic head tonight. 

 

Rey was her typical relaxed self, lounging in a tank top and pj pants and chatting away happily on her cell. Her smiles and laughter were setting Kylo on edge. He wanted to know just who the hell she was talking to. His reckless, impulsive side was taking over. Without thinking it through, Kylo called her to see how she would react. He watched as she noticed the incoming call and ignored it to continue her conversation. 

 

This set off a rage in Kylo that he had not felt in a while. His iPhone went flying into the nearest wall and shattered; the whiskey bottle followed right after along with anything else he put his hands on. Every tender feeling he had for Rey was being smothered by betrayal and anger.  _ How dare she? After everything he shared with her, did for her.  _ A small voice in the back of his head was trying to talk to him but he was irrational. Until he was exhausted from raging, there wasn’t much that could redirect his attention. Kylo sank to his knees, surrounded by the mess he created, and screamed. 

  
  
  


Kylo awoke the next morning to a sore body and a pounding migraine. Standing up had been interesting as his stomach decided to join the club and heave. Fuck, he felt like shit. Sick days did not exist in Snoke’s world so no matter how he felt, Kylo had to suck it up and head into the office. He went to place a call for Mitaka to pick him up in a company car when he remembered he no longer had a cell. Dreading what he would see, he entered the living room and saw the damage he had caused the night before. 

 

His head slumped forward and he walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower as hot as he could stand it. He sat down on the floor of the walk-in shower lined with dark gray subway tile and marble. Breathing in and out, Kylo forced himself to relive his behavior from last night--and he was ashamed.  _ What the hell was wrong with him?  _

 

Rey had probably been talking to a friend and there was nothing wrong with that. He was staking a jealous claim on Rey when she didn’t belong to him or anyone else. In reality, they really did not know each other well; what Kylo knew about her didn’t count. Those were things he had no business with but took anyway. It needed to stop. 

 

Decision made, Kylo finished up and got ready for the day with help from some strong brewed coffee and excedrin migraine. During his commute, Kylo went over his mental checklist of all that he had to undo.  _ Did he always have to learn the hard way? _

  
  
  
  


This was the longest day of his life--at least it felt that way. Kylo was stuck in meetings all morning with Snoke and the insufferable Hux. He hadn't been able to talk to Rey yet and still wasn't feeling all that great. When they broke for lunch, Kylo was the first one out of the room and he shut himself up in his office. He ignored the dirty look that Snoke gave him when he declined the lunch invitation from their clients. He would deal with the consequences later. 

 

After sending Mitaka on a food--and iPhone--run, Kylo gave Rey a call.  _ Please pick up.  _

 

“Hello,” Rey answered. Not knowing it was Kylo, her voice did not have the usual warmth it did when she spoke with him.

 

“Rey, it's Kylo.”

 

“Are you okay? I tried calling and texting you last night but it didn't go through.” Her tone completely changed and she sounded relieved. 

 

She had called him back, probably right away. Kylo closed his eyes in frustration. He was such an asshole. 

 

“Yeah, I uh, my cell broke. I'm sorry if I worried you.”  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid! _

 

“Oh, okay. No worries. But Kylo, are you sure everything is alright? You sound, I don't know, just different somehow,” Rey observed. 

 

Kylo smiled.  _ How did she know? _

 

“I-I had a bad night last night. Sometimes my... temper gets the best of me. I got drunk and broke shit. It was dumb.” He nearly held his breath waiting for her reply. Telling the truth, most of it anyway, had been easier than he imagined. 

 

“I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

There it was--a clear opening to confess everything Rey didn't know about him and what he'd done. All he had to do was let go, but he couldn't. He was too afraid. Kylo swore to himself this morning that he would set things right eventually. If he did, maybe he didn't have to tell Rey at all. It would only hurt her and then she would leave him. Kylo  _ knew  _ that he and Rey were destined for each other, like some mystical force had preordained it.  _ Why would he jeopardize that?”  _

 

“Not really, but thank you. I would love to see you. When are you free?” He hoped the redirection would work.  

 

“I'm free for the rest of the day.” 

 

Kylo jumped on the opportunity and asked Rey out to a new club he’d never been to. The atmosphere would be just the distraction he needed once the work day was over, and being with Rey would make it perfect. All too soon, Mitaka returned and Kylo had to get back on schedule. The hours couldn’t speed by fast enough.

  
  
  


_ This was a shitty idea, _ Kylo thought as he held the door of his Tesla open for Rey. He was regretting his offer to take her out considering how good she looked. He wanted her to himself. 

 

He knew he was in trouble when he saw her leaving her apartment building. The first thing that registered were her legs, mainly that he could see a lot of them courtesy of her short sequined dress. The second? The trio of young idiots off to the side that noticed her as well and started to approach her.  _ That wasn’t happening!  _ Kylo’s long legs reached Rey easily and he held out his hand to her while giving the dumbasses a dirty look. She took it without hesitation and they walked over to the car.

 

Kylo nearly groaned when he placed a hand on her back and felt Rey’s soft bare skin. He let his fingertips graze the length of her spine before she sat in his car. Rey turned and gave him a smile that lit him up, all the day’s worries now forgotten.  

 

Being secluded in the small space with Rey was no help. Kylo was engulfed by her light floral perfume and the length of her already short dress hiked up with her sitting. From head to toe, his Rey was perfect and she was exactly what he needed tonight. 

 

“Hello, stranger,” Rey teased. She reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. 

 

“I am really glad to see you.” His exaggerated sigh made her laugh. 

 

“That bad?” 

 

“Nah, better now,” Kylo smiled. “Ready?” 

 

Rey nodded. “Let’s go.” 

  
  
  
  


The valet parking at Club Jedha was as far as they got. They both just sat there in the car, not getting out or saying anything while the confused valet stared at them. A crowded lot and long line of waiting people showed off the club’s popularity while house music pumped from the open doors. 

 

Kylo slammed his head back on the headrest and looked over at Rey. She was smirking. 

 

“You changed your mind about this, didn’t you?” Rey asked him, laughing.

 

Kylo debated his answer.  _ Just tell her.  _ “I’m selfish. I’d rather be alone with you.” 

 

“The middle of a noisy club surrounded by strangers won’t help. Let’s get outta here.”  

 

Rey gave a little wave to the valet as they drove off. “Where to?” Kylo wanted to know. 

 

“That depends...What happened last night? I  was going to ask you later but now is a good time. You said that your temper gets the better of you. If I'm going to be alone with you, I need to know.” 

 

Kylo was in shock.  _ Was she worried he would abuse her?  _ “Rey, I would never hurt you! Tell me you understand that,” he pleaded. His shoulders went stiff with anxiety. 

 

“I believe you, Kylo. It's just--you said you got drunk and broke shit because you lost your temper. Does that happen often? Because I don't want that in my life. Hitting me is  _ never _ going to be an option.”  

 

Kylo nodded. “Of course not, Rey. Ever.” He spotted a quaint little diner and pulled into the parking lot. “Mind if we go in?”

 

“As long as they have coffee and pie,” she joked drily. 

 

Rey was already out when he got to her door. Noticing her shiver, Kylo slipped off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders. Her lovely smile eased his anxiety a bit. They went inside and sat at a booth and ordered, naturally, coffee and pie. 

 

Kylo continued their discussion. “Rey, when I was younger, I got everything I wanted but not always what I needed. I had--have--a temper and tantrums were my thing. My parents didn't know how to handle me so they sent me to my uncle for help. It didn't work out. Then I went off to college and that was it.”

 

The pie was eaten, the coffee refilled and Rey was quiet. Kylo began to wonder if this was the end; if she would walk out of here and never look back. 

 

“So is drinking your coping mechanism?” she finally spoke up. 

 

Kylo sipped at his coffee. “It used to be. For a while there, I got really good at working hungover. And last night? I got pissed over shit at work and slipped up.” 

 

“I, uh, in the past I used sex too. Never any real relationships. I never felt connected to anyone un-until you.” 

 

“Hmm. Drinking and fucking. Drugs?” Rey sounded sad. 

 

_ Damn it! He forgot about that.  _ “Occasional weed if that counts. Cocaine a few times. Not for months.” 

 

Rey looked at him seriously. “Are you done being so reckless? Consider your answer very carefully, Kylo. If the answer is no, then this,” she moved her hand back and forth between them, “stops now.” 

 

Kylo placed his hand palm up on the table, offering himself to her. “It's done. All of it. I swear to you.” He was so tense his hand shook a little. 

 

Rey slowly moved her hand and softly touched her fingertips to his. The touch was so light that Kylo thought he imagined it. After only a few seconds, her hand was gone. Rey dug in her purse for some cash and left it on the table. Kylo stared at her, completely bewildered. 

 

She stood up to leave, thanking the waitress on the way out. Kylo stumbled after her, still wondering what the hell had just happened. Once they were settled inside his Roadster, he turned to speak, but Rey beat him to it.

 

“Now that we got all that settled--your place or mine? I'm guessing you have the bigger bed so I vote yours. Ooh, you probably have a bigger shower too.” 

 

Kylo’s eyes were wide and his mouth agape.  _ Was this really going to happen? After what he just told her?!  _

 

Rey glanced at his expression and laughed so hard that she was clutching her tummy and had tears rolling down her face. Once she caught her breath, she became serious again. 

 

“Your place, Ren. Move it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta team shwtlee and reylorobyn2011. Thank you for putting up with my insecure whining ❤
> 
> Special shout out to Perry Downing: I stopped being a weenie and listened to the Muse!


	5. So That Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Rey's night out turns into a night in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news: I woke up from a horrific dream at 2:30 this morning.   
> Good news: I finished the chapter. 
> 
> Hopefully some smut from Kylo's pov was worth it. 
> 
> I've been kicking around the idea of going back to do Rey's pov later on. We shall see.

“Your place, Ren. Move it.” 

 

Kylo shook his head clear and did as he was told. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a little smirk on Rey’s lovely face. 

  
  


He took no note of the city as it blurred by. They didn’t speak or touch. Kylo anxiously tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. Glancing at Rey, he noticed she was staring out of the window. He envied how calm she appeared or maybe she was just hiding it better.  _ There it was.  _ A nervous twitch of her leg every so often. 

 

They arrived at Kylo’s house. It was a modern design with a dark brick and cedar exterior. Like most things in his adult life, Snoke had strongly encouraged Kylo to invest in the property even though he’d been happy and settled in his upscale apartment. But now wasn’t the time to be bitter over all of that. Kylo had something much better to focus his attention on. 

  
  


Rey slipped her arm around his waist as they walked up to the door. He noticed she had her heels dangling off the fingers of her other hand. Kylo laughed to himself--that was his Rey. He returned her touch and placed his hand on the small of her back. The bare skin there was too alluring for him to resist. 

 

Entering his own house with Rey sent a jolt up his spine. It was surreal--sharing his space with her, watching her look around the room, and touching his things. The back of her hand on the leather couch, her palm on the cold stone of the fireplace, her naked feet sinking into the plush carpet. The gray and black palette was depressingly dull against Rey’s presence. Kylo imagined Rey in a home surrounded by color and light. Life. He wanted to give that to her.  _ One day... _

 

“Would you like a drink?” Kylo offered. He stayed several feet away from her, not trusting himself to be any closer. 

 

Rey was swaying slightly on her feet, arms crossed behind her back. She called over her shoulder, “Maybe later.” 

 

Her footfalls barely registered on the carpet when Rey turned and edged over to him. Kylo was terrified of moving a muscle, worried it would break the spell. She stood in front of him, reaching just over his shoulder in height. Rey wrapped both of her arms around him and tilted her head up. 

 

Kylo was teetering on the edge and scared shitless. His insecurity and self-hatred were doing their best to overtake the situation.  _ Fuck that _ . He wasn't going to let this opportunity slip away, and letting Rey down was out of the question. 

 

He cradled her face in his hands and brought his lips to hers. They were softer than he’d imagined. The tentative, almost chaste kiss ended way too soon for either of them. They came together again, deeper, more urgent this time. Rey took advantage of a pause and flicked the tip of her tongue against Kylo’s open mouth. His arms went around her smaller frame and lifted her up with ease. 

 

“Are you sure about this?” he asked Rey. He wanted her to be comfortable with him--to trust him. 

 

Rey laid her forehead against his. “Very.” 

 

He headed for the stairs going up to the master bedroom, Rey securely in his arms. 

 

“Let's get the grown up talk out of the way. I always use condoms so that's not an issue,” Kylo remarked. 

 

“Always? Like every single time?” Rey sounded surprised. 

 

“Yes, even my first time.” That had been one of the few things that his father had drilled into him that stuck.  _ Never trust, never get trapped.  _

 

“Wow. Well, I'm on birth control anyway. ” 

 

Kylo felt distance creeping between them but didn't understand why. He carried Rey up the stairs and down the hall to his bedroom. The door was opened, with some assistance from Rey, and he carefully set her down in the middle of the room. She walked over and sat on the king sized bed, running her hand over a chunky gray knit duvet. 

 

He was worried that maybe Rey changed her mind. Maybe the earlier talk had really sunk in and she was trying to find a way out of this. He had to know if he'd fucked up this chance with her. 

 

Kneeling in front of her, Kylo took her hands in his and met her eyes. “What's wrong, Rey?”

 

Rey smiled and squeezed his hands in reassurance. “It's just...what you said before. I realized that you've never trusted anyone, have you?” 

 

Kylo lowered his head in embarrassment. “No. I had no reason to.”

 

“Do you trust me, Kylo?” 

 

His head snapped up to look at her. “What? Of course I do, Rey! I-you’re important to me.”

 

“I feel the same way, Kylo. So what are we waiting for?” 

 

Rey had done it again; taken his insecurity, crumpled it into a ball, and thrown it away.  _ God, how he loved her. _

  
  
  


He pulled her by the hands to stand in front him. Still kneeling, Kylo ran his hands up the length of Rey’s body from her feet up to her hips. He squeezed gently and Rey settled her hands on his shoulders. Kylo leaned forward and rested his head against her stomach. He didn’t move for several seconds, just enjoying the feel of her. He stayed so still that Rey touched his head and called his name. 

 

Kylo looked up to meet her hazel eyes and Rey ran a single finger along his cheek. He slipped his hands underneath her short dress and hooked his fingers in the thin scrap of fabric and pulled it off slowly. Rey’s fingers gripped him tighter. Kylo held onto her hips again but this time encouraging her to sit on the edge of the bed. His eyes never left hers. He coaxed her knees apart and settled in between them. Rey surprised him by pulling up her dress and laying back on her elbows. Watching him, she raised an eyebrow as if daring him to make the move. He happily accepted the challenge. 

 

_ Heaven.  _ That had to be the only explanation for what was happening. Kylo had died and somehow been admitted into heaven rather than the hell he felt he deserved. The first taste of her had him instantly addicted. He took his time licking up the soft, bare skin and savoring her. In the past, Kylo had never really enjoyed the few times he’d done this.  _ With Rey? _ He wondered just how long he could keep going until she finally stopped him. For a while longer he guessed since Rey laid all the way back, and both of her hands had a grip on his hair keeping him close. 

 

He dipped his tongue inside of her and brought his fingertip to her clit to tease her exactly how she liked it. Rey began to roll her hips and her hitched breaths and moans told Kylo how close she was--but he wasn’t finished with her yet. Pulling away from her, he worked at the buttons of his shirt.

 

Indignant, Rey sat up with a “Hey!” then saw what he was doing. She took over taking off his shirt and leaned in for a kiss. Rey licked and sucked at his lips and dragged her nails down his chest. Kylo hissed as she kissed along his jawline and down his throat, nipping at his skin. Her teasing went down to his chest, where she bit into his muscle, making him shout her name.

 

“I wanted to do that so bad,” she laughed. Rey licked at the red mark she left behind.

 

Kylo wished the mark could be permanent. “I’m not complaining, baby.” He groaned. He wasn’t complaining but his damn hard cock was. 

 

He stood up and went for his belt, but again Rey flicked his hands away and took it off herself. He sucked in a deep breath when she dragged her palm against his zipper. She gave him a mischievous smile as she pulled the zipper and pants down his legs. 

 

Kylo felt exposed and completely at her mercy and in that moment, Rey was in control. She mouthed his erection over his boxer briefs, holding onto his thighs. He dragged his hands through his hair, struggling to keep himself in check. A little bit more of this and he might embarrass himself. Rey stopped suddenly and got to her feet. 

 

“Payback,” she said with a grin.  

 

Kylo laughed and finished undressing. “Fair enough.” 

 

Rey turned around and went for the zipper of her backless dress. Kylo moved her hands aside and unzipped it himself. He kissed and nuzzled at the back of her neck. 

 

“My turn,” he whispered into her ear. 

 

He slipped the dress off Rey’s shoulders and let it pool at her feet. His hands went straight to her breasts, caressing and teasing, and rolling the nipples between his fingertips. Rey loosened his hold and turned to face him. Her hand reached for his cock, stroking the length and running her fingertips around the head.  _ The little minx was killing him.  _

 

Rey gave him a squeeze. “I want this inside me.” 

 

“Whatever my Rey wants.” 

 

Rey laid down, Kylo following right behind her. He kissed her, his tongue licking inside her mouth.

 

“Gimme a sec, sweetheart,” Kylo told her, and dug into the nightstand for a condom. He felt Rey’s hand on his arm. 

 

“Kylo, stop. Please. Will you let me feel you?” Rey asked. 

 

“What _?”  _ Kylo nearly yelled in his bewilderment.  _ She couldn’t possibly mean that.   _

 

“Oh I think you heard me.” 

 

He snapped out of his shock when she placed her hands on his hips and guided him down to her. Still reluctant to follow through, he kept his hips--and cock--as far back as  he could. “I can’t, Rey. I’m sorry but I just can’t.” 

 

“It’s okay, Kylo. Do whatever feels right to you.” 

 

Rey’s hands were massaging his back in a soothing motion. She seemed worried about him. Kylo had reached that precipice again--the one that determined if he could really take this step with Rey. He knew without a doubt she was the only one he would jump off that cliff for. “This feels right, Rey.” 

 

He pushed his hips forward and slid the tip of his cock inside of her.  _ And he thought he was in heaven before… _ That first touch of wet heat enveloping him was overwhelming. He paused and slowly inched his way deeper. Her head was thrown back and Kylo sucked on her pulse point. Rey’s hands were on his ass now, nails digging in and encouraging him.

 

“C’mon, Kylo. I can take it,” Rey pleaded. 

 

He did tell her she could have whatever she wanted. Kylo hooked his arms behind her knees, drawing her legs to her chest. Going as deep as he could, his pace was fast and hard. Rey’s hands were everywhere, nails scratching to hold onto him, leaving Kylo with marks on his back and chest. She was stunning--her face flushed and dewy, breasts bobbing in time with his thrusts. Her hand moved down to her clit and he could feel her fingers swirling and teasing. The gasps and moans spurred him on and he couldn't hold back any longer.

 

“Rey! Shit, I'm gonna come!” He buried his face in her shoulder and let the waves roll over him, reveling in the pleasure of coming inside her, of anyone, for the first time.

 

When the fog in his head cleared, Kylo was embarrassed. He'd left his Rey behind and needed to fix it. He pulled out of her slowly, already missing the heat of her around him. He kissed her, long and deep, and promised he would take care of her. His sweet Rey returned the kiss, threading her fingers through his hair. 

 

Kylo dropped his head to one of her peaked nipples and latched on, sucking gently and flicking with his tongue. He switched to the other one and nipped it between his teeth. Rey's back arched and her hand tightened its hold on his hair. Kylo slipped two fingers inside of her and crooked them while his thumb focused on her clit. Still wet from him, his fingers glided in and out of her and it wasn't long before her muscles tensed around them. 

 

“Fuck, Kylo! Yes! Oh god, that feels so fucking good!”

 

Seeing and hearing Rey come for  _ him _ was better than any dream he'd had of her--or the times he watched when she was alone. 

 

They laid together, limbs tangled up in that quiet afterglow. Kylo couldn't stop kissing her and made Rey giggle. She actually  _ giggled _ for him and it was adorable. He wanted to tell her so badly how much he loved her but didn't want to scare her off. She was finally in his arms and in his bed. That was more than enough for now. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to my encouraging betas Shwtlee and Robyn. 
> 
> Special thanks to Perry D for helping inject a dose of self-deprecating Kylo angst into the mix.


	6. Time To Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. Plus, Kylo and Snoke have a Come to Jesus meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning* Disgusting Snoke is back. 
> 
> The chapter is short but it packs a bit of a punch. Let me know what you think :)

Kylo was floating in that state between sleeping and waking. He knew that Rey was still with him in bed. He felt her warm body right up against his, skin to skin--another first for Kylo. No one had ever spent the entire night with him before.

 

This level of intimacy with Rey was terrifying for all the implications that went with it. There was so much…

 

“Shit, Rey! Fuck!” Kylo was startled from the sensation of Rey’s warm mouth sliding around his hardening-- and wide awake-- cock.

 

Her giggle vibrated against him, making his hips jump from pleasure. Rey’s mouth was so wet and tight, sucking him like he was buried deep inside her again. She grazed the length of him with her teeth and swirled her tongue around the head. Her delicate hand pumped along with her mouth.

 

Kylo was doing a decent job at holding off his orgasm until Rey used her free hand to fondle his balls. Rey shook her head at his warning and sped up her motions. His hands gripped the sheets tight and his hips rolled as she milked him with her mouth. She was taking him over, owning him a little more with every swallow. The gleam in her eyes and lifted corner of her mouth told him that she knew it too.

 

Letting him go, Rey kissed and nipped her way up his abdomen and chest and along his neck until she reached his mouth. Kylo brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her. It was soft and sweet now that some of the urgency between them had dissipated. She laid her head on his chest, her ear above his heart. His long arms wrapped around her and held her there.

 

“What’s happening here?” Rey whispered. Her fingers grazed his chest in lazy circles.

 

Kylo rested his chin on the top of Rey’s head and considered his answer. “I’m not sure how to answer that. Guess that depends--do you want to stay safe or dive in headfirst?” He began to massage her scalp, comforting himself as much as her.

 

Rey chuckled. “I don’t know. Both?”

 

 _Who was Kylo to argue with a safe answer?_ He had blindly dived in the moment he saw her. He should’ve known better than to expect the same from Rey, but it still stung to hear it. “Hmm, maybe.”

 

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

Kylo felt a ripple of fear run through him. “Of course,” he answered cautiously.

 

Rey raised her head to look at him. “Why did you change your name?”

 

It wasn't what he expected but still something he'd rather not talk about. He remembered her words from last night, _“Do you trust me, Kylo?”_

 

“It's...complicated. My family and I don't have the greatest history. I always felt like a big disappointment to them. But then I met Snoke and my whole life changed,” he admitted.

 

“How so?”

 

“He accepted me for who I was and helped me with who I wanted to become. He encouraged me to change my name as a symbol of leaving my past behind for a better future.”

 

As he said the words aloud, Kylo realized that the divide that Snoke had created between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren was slowly starting to close up again. This was troublesome because Snoke would never allow it.

 

Rey kissed his jaw and nuzzled him with her nose. “You needed a big change. I get that.”

 

Straddling him, Rey sat up and slowly started to rub herself along his shaft. His little minx was warm and slick and making him hard again. He held onto her hips and bucked up, encouraging her to grind against him.

 

Rey threw her head back and moaned. She grabbed her breasts, kneading the soft skin and rolling her nipples with her fingers. Kylo popped his thumb into his mouth then brought the moistened fingertip to her clit. He barely touched her, teasing with featherlight circles.

 

Kylo watched in awe as Rey kept up a steady pace grinding down on him. She was gorgeous--her moans and gasps, tits bouncing with her rhythm, eyes locked onto his. She worked herself against him through her orgasm, riding every wave as it hit.

 

Coming down off her high, Rey suddenly covered her face and laughed. Kylo noticed a blush peeking out from under her hands. She was so sensual and demure at the same time. It was an alluring combination. No wonder he wanted to worship her like a goddess.

 

He reached up and gently pulled her hands away from her face, taking her palms in his and kissing them. “You are beautiful, Rey. Don't ever be ashamed of that. And you can use me like that anytime,” Kylo reassured her.

 

Rey leaned in and kissed him, her hands combing through his hair. Her hazel eyes went wide and she rolled off of him . “Oh my god, Kylo. What time is it?”

 

Kylo groaned. _Real life._ He would have happily stayed in this bubble with Rey indefinitely. He reluctantly got up and rummaged around his discarded pants for his iPhone. It was after 9 in the morning and he was well over an hour late to work. He had several missed calls and voicemails.The fact that he didn't panic about Snoke’s reaction really should've bothered him more.

 

“You're late, aren't you? I'm sorry! It's all my fault,” Rey apologized as she gathered her things.

 

“Stop that, Rey. Nothing is your fault." He hugged her close and kissed her forehead. “I'm happy you stayed over. You could stay forever if you wanted to.”

 

Kylo winced. Great. _What the hell possessed him to say that?_

 

Rey kissed him quickly on the lips. “A discussion for another time. We need to get going.”

 

They rushed through a disappointingly quick shower and dressed. As they left to drop Rey off, Kylo felt a bit of depression creeping up on him. Of course, he didn't want Rey to leave and he was definitely not in the mood for any bullshit at work. He wondered if Rey’s silence meant she was feeling a little of the same.

 

Neither of them said a word when they arrived at her apartment. Rey reached over and squeezed his hand. “So I'll see you soon, yeah?”

 

“Yes,” Kylo promised.

 

A kiss later, Rey was gone. Kylo forced himself to drive to the office, mentally preparing himself for a confrontation with Snoke.

  


Kylo could feel the tension when he entered the First Order offices. Everyone was on edge and Mitaka nearly tripped in his rush to get to Kylo.

 

“Chairman Snoke is in your office, Mr. Ren. He's been waiting for a while.” His assistant was sweating and nervous.

 

Kylo nodded and went to his office, stopping at the door and taking a deep breath before going in.

 

Snoke was seated in Kylo’s chair, turned to look out at the city skyline.

 

“Punctual as always, my young apprentice.” Snoke’s gnarled fingers gripped the arms of the chair. He didn't bother turning back around to face Kylo.

 

Kylo’s hands balled into fists at his sides but kept his tone calm. “Forgive me, Chairman. I neglected to set my alarm last night. It was irresponsible of me and won't happen again.”

 

“How stupid do you think I am, boy?” Snoke growled and turned to look at Kylo.

 

Kylo glared at Snoke with disdain. _How had he ever aspired to be just like him?_

 

“Is it that slut again? The student? What did I tell you, _Kylo Ren?_ ” Snoke yelled.

 

“My personal life is none of your goddamn business!” Kylo yelled back.

 

Snoke stood up and walked slowly to Kylo. His raised his hand but Kylo easily caught it before it made contact. Enraged, Snoke grabbed the lapels of Kylo’s jacket and yanked him closer.

 

Snoke’s voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. “When I found you, you were still Ben Solo, a child begging for his parents’ approval. I alone could see the raw, untamed power that lived in you. I have spent how many years now grooming you to take my place?”

 

A violent coughing fit forced Snoke to pause and Kylo took advantage. “I've given everything I have to you and to this company. I am done allowing you to rule over my entire life.”

 

Once the coughing fit had passed, Snoke resumed his speech. “Your life belongs to me and the First Order. All my work will not be undone by some cunt. Do you understand me, boy? Get rid of her...or I will,” he threatened.

 

Kylo got directly in the older man’s face causing him to take a step back. “You will not lay one fucking finger on her! Am I clear? Do not forget that I know your secrets, Zagan. If you strike me down, I will bring you and Hux and the whole goddamn company with me.”

 

Kylo moved around Snoke, roughly catching him on the shoulder, and sat down at his desk. “If you don't mind, _Chairman,_ I have work to do,” Kylo dismissed him.

 

Snoke was sickly pale with a splotch of red on each cheek. “Don't you forget that you belong to me, Solo. Without me, you are nothing.”

 

With that, Snoke left Kylo’s office, slamming the door on the way out. Kylo had the urge to beat the shit out of something. He took several deep breaths, inhaling to a count of three, and exhaling on four. He was worried. _What if Snoke really meant to hurt Rey? How could he protect her?_

 

Now he had doubts about his plans to remove Rey’s surveillance. He could leave everything in place and also assign her a bodyguard. She would never even have to know.

 

Rey had to be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my lovely, encouraging betas Robyn and Shawlee ❤


	7. Love Stinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo decides to protect Rey the best way he can think of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient. This one was tough. It had to happen eventually but I promise this isn't the end. 
> 
> *Warning for suicidal thoughts*

After his confrontation with Snoke, Kylo was a nervous wreck. His mind was a whirlwind of emotions and ideas all centered on Rey. Then it came to him: the most obvious solution but almost the most painful and most difficult one. Rey was in danger because of  _ him _ so naturally  _ he _ needed to be out of her life. 

 

He was filled with cold purpose now that the decision was made. Kylo was detached from it all like he was observing someone else's life. He had to be or he would never be able to let Rey go. This was always how it was going to end.  _ Wasn't it? _

  
  
  


His train of thought was interrupted by a single knock and Bazine entering without invitation. Mitaka stood in the doorway, looking exasperated as though he’d tried to stop her.

 

“Chairman Snoke wanted me to remind you that you are expected at lunch today. The Hutts will be here, in case you've forgotten,” she snapped. 

 

Kylo didn't bother to conceal his irritation with her. Bazine had been especially unpleasant the last few weeks. He was not in the mood for this today.

 

“Thank you for that reminder,  _ Bazine.  _ What would I do without you?” Kylo stood up to leave and get some fresh air. He needed to be alone. 

 

Bazine grabbed his arm as he passed her, digging her nails into the sleeve of his dress shirt. “I heard the argument with Snoke. Who is she, Kylo? What makes her any different from all the others?” 

 

Kylo took hold of her arm and carefully moved it off of him. When he spoke, his voice was low and harsh. “I will tell you the same thing, Natal. My personal life is none of your fucking business. Leave this alone.”

 

Bazine’s face colored with anger and she stomped after him, cutting him off at the door.

 

“Jesus Christ, you  _ love  _ her!” she laughed bitterly. “Does she even know you?  _ The real you? _ Or are you only showing her what you want her to see?” 

 

Kylo’s stunned silence damned him. 

 

“I thought so. Poor girl. You'll destroy her like you destroy everything in your life. People like you and me, Kylo? We don't do happy domesticity. Give it up.” Bazine left without looking back, slamming the door behind her.

  
  
  


Kylo couldn't move. He was cemented into place by rage and fear. Bazine’s words had pierced his heart because they were true. 

 

_ Does she even know you?  _ The real you? _ Or are you only showing her what you want her to see? _

 

He could argue with himself all day long about how Rey knew him better than anyone; that he'd shared things with her no one else would ever know. All this was true...but it wasn't the  _ whole  _ truth. 

 

Rey didn't know all about him but he would change that, and she would leave him for good. She would be safe. And he would never be the same. 

 

Kylo sent her a text asking if he could come over tonight. It killed him that she responded so quickly and eagerly. He acknowledged her and left it at that. There would be no endearments today, no “I miss you,” nothing about how he couldn't wait to be with her again. 

 

The bandage was coming off slowly and painfully, exposing the open wound that had been festering underneath all along. His invasion of her privacy, the lies, the deceit, and endangering Rey by placing her directly in Snoke’s evil path. 

 

It would all end tonight. 

  
  
  


The older brick apartment building had seen better days just like the area surrounding it. Kylo’s stomach was tied in knots as he parked his car. Kylo leaned his head back and took several deep breaths.  _ How would he survive hurting Rey like this? _ His feet felt like lead walking up to the third floor where Rey’s apartment was located. 

 

Kylo had barely knocked when the door flew open and Rey launched herself in his arms. She locked her hands around his neck and raised her head up to kiss him. Kylo allowed himself to give in for a few seconds, enjoying the feel of her smaller frame close to his. He pulled out of her embrace and asked if he could sit down. Rey nodded with a worried expression. Kylo could tell she had put her guard up. Wearing a tank top, her exposed shoulders tensed up and she crossed her arms. 

 

“What’s wrong, Kylo?” Rey asked without hesitation. 

 

All the speeches he’d prepared in his head were gone. He sat there, willing himself not to vomit out of anxiety, looking at Rey and knowing this would probably be the last time he would see her. He hid his face in his hands, ashamed of the tears pricking at his eyes. Kylo thought he deserved every bit of pain he was going through. It was a just punishment for what he was about to do--and what he had already done. 

 

Rey sat next to Kylo, putting an arm around him and resting her chin on his shoulder. 

 

“Hey,” Rey prodded, “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.” 

 

Kylo sighed and pulled his hands away from his face. “But what if I’m the problem?”

 

“You? Well that makes it a bit trickier. No one can fix you, Kylo. I’ll help if I can but it’s really up to you.” 

 

“It is, isn’t it?” He took a chance and looked at Rey. Her open, trusting eyes wrecked him. “Whatever this is between us, it needs to stop. I can’t see you anymore, Rey.” 

 

Immediately, she stood up to distance herself from him, like she’d been struck. Kylo forced himself to keep looking at her and face the hurt head on. 

 

“Why? I deserve an answer, Kylo,” Rey asked angrily. 

 

He couldn’t stay still any longer and paced the small room. “Because I’ve made a mess of this from the very beginning. I put you in danger…”

 

Rey stopped in his path. “Danger? What are you talking about? This doesn’t make sense!” 

 

“It was Snoke, my boss. He told me that if I didn’t get rid of you, he would. He didn’t approve of my attention being divided--that my work was no longer the most important thing in my life,” he told her. 

 

“Okay, so tell him to go fuck himself,” Rey suggested. 

 

Kylo actually laughed at that but sobered quickly. “It’s not that simple, Rey. There is a lot more.” 

 

He watched Rey close her eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. She nodded for him to continue. 

 

“I-I did something bad, Rey. Something really bad,” he finished in a whisper. 

 

He was determined to look her in the eye--she deserved no less. “I watched you.”

 

Her face paled. “You what?”

 

“When I first saw you at my lecture, I was drawn to you. The only reason I went into the crowd afterwards is because I wanted to meet you. And when I did? That was it. I was lost in you.”

 

“Tell me all of it, Kylo,” Rey demanded. 

  
  
  


It came out in a rush, as if saying it quickly would make it hurt less somehow. Kylo explained everything from the very beginning; from that first day when he had a security consultant start digging into her background to the last time he had watched her after being hit by Snoke. 

 

He told her every last ugly detail, cringing and stuttering at the most intimate ones. As he expected, that was the worst. Up to that point, Rey had remained silent yet visibly upset. After that confession, she ran into her bedroom and Kylo heard distant retching noises. 

 

In that moment, he wanted to die. He wanted to hurt himself beyond repair--bleed out and ache until he felt as bad physically as he knew Rey was must have felt emotionally. Kylo no longer heard vomiting but loud sobs coming from her bedroom. He’d destroyed her just like Bazine said he would. He was toxic, a poison. No wonder even his own family couldn’t stand him. 

 

As much as he longed to, comforting Rey was out of the question.  _ What could he possibly say to her anyway? I’m sorry? Please forgive me?  _ It was pointless. 

 

With nothing more to say, Kylo left Rey’s apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him and muffling the sound of her crying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my lovelies Shawlee and Robyn.   
> Special dose of angst courtesy of Perry D


	8. Not out of the woods yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries to adjust to a life without Rey. He eventually finds out she isn't as safe as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when I thought an update this week would be a bust, the Muse decided otherwise :)

It was done. Kylo knew he would be haunted by the sound of Rey’s sobbing for the rest of his life.  

 

Today, the last connection with Rey would be severed when the surveillance was removed. He had arranged it so that she would be present to physically see the cameras taken down. Kylo hoped this would give her peace and reassurance that he was out of her life for good. 

 

He wanted to drown in his depression-- let in linger and hurt because he deserved it. Kylo sent Snoke a message saying it was done and that he would not be in the next morning and ignored all other contact. Kylo laid in bed, nestled into the side that Rey had slept in and still had her scent. He didn’t care how pathetic he looked-- this was all he had left of her. His go-to coping methods were off limits. In his current state, it would be dangerous for him to touch alcohol or drugs. And sex? If it wasn’t Rey, he wasn’t interested.  

 

For once, he’d done the right thing and put someone else’s need above his own. It had hurt like hell and he would let it burn for a while. Eventually, he would create a new normal for his life. He would throw himself into work to forget. Snoke may rejoice in the return of his apprentice, but Kylo would make it clear that he was fulfilling his obligations, nothing more. The days of blind obedience and unquestioned loyalty were over.  

 

Until then he would be alone with his pain and memories of Rey. 

  
  


_ Two months later _

  
  


Kylo looked out the expansive window of his office at the chaos below. People and vehicles all vying for space and in a hurry. He used to thrive in that environment. He’d lived in constant motion-- always on the go, always on the hunt for a new distraction. Now the thought of going back to that behavior sickened him with exhaustion. 

 

It was late in the afternoon, nearly time to leave. Kylo was taking in the day’s events before going home. His house felt emptier than ever and quieter than a tomb; a shrine to what might have been. He hated it. 

 

A heavy knock interrupted his solitude. Kylo rolled his eyes when Hux walked in. He disliked the man more every day. 

 

“I'm about to leave, Hux. What is it?” Kylo asked. He didn't bother to hide his irritation. 

 

The ginger prick took his time walking over to Kylo. He stared around the office as if it was his first time seeing it, which is clearly wasn't. Kylo’s arms crossed in frustration. 

 

“You know, Ren,” Hux began as he sat on the edge of Kylo’s desk, “You really haven't been yourself as of late. Are you alright?” 

 

Hux topped off his mock concern by sweeping an imaginary bit of dust off the desk. 

Kylo was losing his temper fast. “Like you really give a shit. What do you want, Armitage?”

 

The insult worked. Hux hated his first name and his anger showed in his cold blue eyes and tight jaw. 

 

“Chairman Snoke and I spoke in private earlier. He has concerns that your loyalties lie elsewhere. Apparently there was some fuss about a woman? Really, Kylo? That's pathetic, even for you.”

 

Kylo approached him deadly serious. He clapped a hand around the back of Hux’s neck and squeezed. Hux’s eyes grew wide with fear and his cheeks flushed a bright red. 

 

“She doesn't concern you, Hux. My life doesn't concern you. If Snoke is worried, he can discuss it with  _ me.  _ You stay the hell out of it.” 

 

Kylo released Hux roughly enough to make him wobble on his feet. Hux straightened his hair and suit as he backed away from Kylo. 

 

“You fucking maniac! Keep your hands off me! Snoke's legacy will be ruined if he chooses you over me. I will not allow you to run this company into the ground with your instability, Ren. I don't care what I have to do to stop you.” 

 

Kylo watched the open door slam against the wall. He flexed his fists and groaned at his oncoming headache. Snoke was pitting him and Hux against each other like always, but now it was personal.  _ Why couldn’t they just leave him-- and Rey-- alone? _

 

For the first time in a very, very long time, he wondered how his mother would have handled something like this. Of course, as a seasoned politician Leia Organa would not have allowed herself to get into this mess to begin with. There was an unwelcome pang in his heart; Ben Solo was trying to break through. 

 

Ben, who would’ve never done any of this, would go to his mother and ask for help. He would kneel at her feet and ask for forgiveness. Admit that he’d been wrong about so many things. He would have faith in her, knowing that through her experience and connections she could help him bring Snoke and the First Order to justice. Maybe she could even help him become the man that Rey deserved.

 

But, no. What was it that Rey had said?   _ No one can fix you, Kylo. I’ll help if I can but it’s really up to you.  _

 

He could start by getting out of here. Somewhere he could think more clearly without the spectre of Snoke looming over him. Kylo grabbed his stuff and left for the parking garage. He shook his head, realizing that even his Tesla reminded him of Rey and the first time he’d talked her into going out with him. 

  
  
  


Kylo was almost to his car when he saw the tall figure leaned up against it. The silhouette of the black-haired viper in heels was unmistakable...and the very last thing he wanted to see right now. The two assholes must really be enjoying themselves ganging up on him like this.

 

He unlocked the door as he approached Bazine with a loud, exaggerated sigh. 

 

“And now  _ you _ . I am having one hell of a fantastic day thanks to you and Hux,” Kylo remarked sarcastically. “Will you move so I can get out of here?” 

 

Bazine moved but only to uncross her legs and spread them wide, which wasn’t wide at all thanks to her tight pencil skirt. Kylo rolled his eyes and began tapping a foot loudly in exasperation. 

 

“Wouldn’t it be a lot more fun if  _ we _ got out of here, Kylo? Like we used to, remember? I could help you relax while you drive,” she purred. 

 

Bazine went for his crotch only to yelp when she hit her hand hard on his briefcase when he blocked her. Her seductive gaze turned to hatred in a second.  _ This was the real Bazine. _

 

“That was your answer. Now, move.” 

 

She stepped away to clear his path to the car door. Kylo opened and threw his briefcase on the passenger seat and got in. 

 

“You wouldn’t tell me no if I was Rey,” Bazine spat. “You’d be fucking me already.”

 

That stopped Kylo cold. He shot out of the car and confronted her. “How do you know about Rey?” 

 

Bazine’s face went pale. She looked genuinely worried. He wondered if she had uttered Rey’s name out of pure spite and now regretted it. Snoke must have talked a lot more than Kylo thought. 

 

“I-I just...Snoke,” she waffled, very unlike the normally arrogant woman. 

 

“So Snoke told you about her. Who else knows?” Kylo raised his voice when he didn’t get an answer. “Who else, Bazine? Rey could be in danger. I need to know,” he yelled. 

 

Just like that her whole demeanor changed again. The shock and anxiety were gone and replaced by pure malice. She dared to step close to Kylo again. 

 

“Why don’t you ask Hux how he knows her, Kylo? He told me all about how he picked up where you left off.” Bazine laughed at Kylo’s anger, clearly gleeful about hurting him. “I guess little Rey didn’t like the  _ real _ you after all.”

 

She started to walk away but Kylo would be damned if he let her have the last word on this. “You're a goddamn liar. Are you really that jealous? Now  _ that _ is pathetic. Leave her out of this,” Kylo called over his shoulder before driving off. Bazine faded away in the rear view. 

  
  
  


This was a fucking nightmare. Kylo knew all too well that Snoke got other people to do his dirty work. If Natal and Hux were in on it then Rey was most certainly still in danger. 

 

Kylo angrily paced in his bedroom. He had to fix this somehow. Talking directly to Rey was not an option.

 

_ Maz.  _

 

The little mystic loved Rey and would keep her safe. Kylo would see her in the morning and see what could be done. Decision made, Kylo had hope that Maz would have answers.

 

For Rey, he would do anything. He would go to Maz. He would even call Leia if he had to. 

 

Anything for Rey. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beta ladies Robyn and Shawlee.


	9. SOS Maz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo breaks down and asks Maz for help. This leads to a reunion of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maz has returned! I had fun writing her interaction with Kylo. 
> 
> At 9 chapters this is the longest fic I've written so far. Yay? 
> 
> May the fourth be with you!

It was nearly noon by the time Kylo finished with morning meetings and left to see Maz. Pulling up to the green building had him feeling nostalgic about Rey. What a fool he'd been then, thinking it would be so easy to have her. Rey was no prize to be won.

 

The early lunch rush was on and Kylo got in line to be seated. He stood there less than a minute before a distinctive voice called out and made everyone in the place freeze.

 

“Kylo Ren!”

 

Patrons moved out of the way for the diminutive figure approaching him. Maz was wearing her huge, round thick rimmed glasses and a large beaded necklace. Her overall look made Kylo think of a mystic hippie. She took a good look at him before speaking.

 

“You must need something desperately. Come with me, big man,” Maz instructed.

 

Kylo followed Maz into the room behind the heavy beaded curtain, the room Rey had called the voodoo shop. There were rows upon rows of various herbs, little jars and bottles. Several altars dotted the corners of the room. Each altar had a different figure on it along with offerings like money and spirits. He was surprised to see actual little voodoo dolls on a shelf. Maz appeared to be the real thing.

  


“Sit.” Maz pointed to a pair of worn leather chairs towards the back of the room. Next to one of the chairs was a small table with tea fixings on it. She set about pouring them a sweet, fragrant tea while Kylo just sat there nervously bouncing his knees.

 

“Give me a reason,” she began as she handed him a cup, “To not curse you for hurting my Rey.”

 

Kylo felt like he was being scolded by the principal.

 

“I think you have an idea otherwise you would've done it already.” He was being honest.  

 

Maz’s magnified eyes turned to him and squinted before she laughed. “You got me there, Kylo Ren. So what is it then?”

 

Kylo took a sip of the hot tea. “My boss threatened her for taking priority in my life. I thought by pushing her away she would be safe. I was wrong. And...I-I need help.”

 

“Go on. Tell me all of it,” Maz said kindly.

 

He told her, even the uglier details he was ashamed of. She listened intently without interrupting him. At the end, Maz whistled long and low, shaking her head.

 

“You really stepped in it, didn't you? But you are sincere and you really love her. I can feel it. So what exactly do you want from me, big man?”

 

“I want to warn her. Keep her safe. But I can't talk to her so I figured you could tell her. I don't know. I'm scared for her, Maz. The people I work for are ruthless.” Kylo paused and looked around the eclectic room. “H-how is she?”

 

Maz tilted her head towards Kylo. “How do you think? She truly falls in love for the first time and you broke her heart. She is angry at herself for falling for you and missing you too.”

 

“I'm so sorry,” Kylo whispered.

 

“You know, I had my doubts that you would do the right thing, but you proved me wrong. Perhaps Ben Solo isn't dead, after all,” Maz told him.

 

Kylo’s head shot up to meet her steady gaze. He actually smiled and laughed. “Why does it not surprise me that you know who I am?”

 

Maz patted Kylo on the shoulder and stood up. “It really shouldn't. Have you thought about going to Senator Organa?”

 

An ache in his chest flared up at the mention of his mother. His parents had been on his mind so much lately. Rey was responsible, naturally. Kylo found himself wanting to forgive Han and Leia. For all their problems, they were downright perfect compared to Rey’s upbringing.

 

Kylo sighed. “I have considered it.”

 

“Well, consider it some more. Until then, you and I need to protect our Rey.” Maz went to her shelves and gathered bottles and oils in a little basket. “Be here tomorrow night at nightfall. The café will be closed but I'll be waiting for you. Do not be late.”

 

The authority in her voice along with their surroundings made Kylo break out in goosebumps. He wondered exactly what the Voodoo priestess was up to but knew better than to ask.

 

“Will _she_ be here?”

 

Maz set her basket down and regarded him seriously. “Yes. I will need Rey here to bless her.”

 

“She won't want to see me, Maz,” he explained.

 

Maz led him back out to the café area, ignoring the curious stares. “Let me worry about that. Do not be late!”

 

With that last warning, Maz went back to her customers, greeted some by name and acted as if nothing was amiss.

 

Kylo walked out into the sunshine, wondering just what in the hell he had agreed to. He knew he'd have a rough time trying to sleep tonight.

  
  


The next day _dragged._ Kylo kept his mouth shut and played the part of a dutiful apprentice. He even pretended to be civil to Hux and Natal. It made him want to gag.

 

He noticed that Snoke was looking worse than usual. The frail man was paler and seemed smaller somehow. His eyes were rimmed with dark shadows. Kylo wasn't sure that Snoke could physically afford to lose weight or sleep. _Was he nearing the end?_

 

Kylo tried not to be happy about the prospect but so many things would change. The immediate threat against Rey would be gone. And if Kylo was to succeed Snoke, he could start cleaning house and get the company in order. If Hux was chosen to succeed then another battle would just be starting.

 

For now though, he only had to focus on getting through the day.

  
  


Minutes before sundown, Kylo was waiting at the doors of Café Rosamie. He’d gone home, quickly showered and changed into a black hoodie and jeans. He was rocking on his heels and had his hands in his pockets.

 

Maz came to the door, looking as relaxed as he did nervous, and ushered him in. Kylo pulled his hood down and sat at one of the tables and waited. He was anxious about seeing Rey. As much as it pained him, he hoped that she’d moved on with her life. The last thing he wanted to see was a pair of haunted eyes looking back at him, no matter how much he deserved it. He supposed that made him a coward.

 

A knock on the doors got his attention and his stomach went hollow. Maz hustled over to unlock it and let Rey in.

 

Rey was dressed in a hoodie and jeans, like him, and her hair was in a ponytail. She was so beautiful. _God, he missed her._ For the thousandth time, Kylo mentally kicked himself for the things he had done. He was frozen to the seat.

 

Rey greeted Maz with a big smile and a hug. The smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and it faded flat when she noticed Kylo.

 

“Whatever this is, Maz, I'm not doing it." Rey turned to leave but Maz stopped her with a hand on her arm.

 

“Wait, child. We are all here together to protect you. Kylo means you no more harm. He is sincere in his intentions,” Maz pleaded.

 

Rey's eyes grew wide. “Protect me? Aren’t _you_ the one who sent those jerks to harass me? Or was it that decrepit monster you work for?” she finished angrily, staring Kylo down.

 

“Did someone hurt you, Rey?” Kylo was livid. _How dare they? After everything he put her through to keep her safe._

 

Rey shrugged her shoulders. “Do you work with a redhead? Kinda pale and snooty? I thought I saw a picture of you two at some gala thing.”

 

_Damn him._ “Yes, that's Hux. What did he do?”

 

“I went out with friends a few weeks ago, trying to cheer me up. This Hux guy came out of nowhere and started hitting on me. He acted like he wasn't taking no for an answer. I had to tell him to fuck off,” Rey recalled.

 

_This was the bullshit Bazine lied about_.

 

“Oh there's more. Then there was a woman-- your ex I'm assuming,” Rey continued, “She approached me in the parking lot of my apartment. Started talking crazy about how you were hers and I was nothing. I told her to get away from me and walked off but she grabbed my arm. So I slapped her and threatened to have her arrested.”

 

Kylo had to smile at that. “That woman is Bazine Natal and she is not my ex. Not really. We-we fooled around in the past but it didn't mean anything. I had no idea about any of that, Rey. I'll make it right.”

 

Rey shook her head and sniffled. Her eyes were glossy with angry, unshed tears. “Just make it all stop. Please. I want to forget this and get on with my life.”

 

_A life without him in it._

 

Kylo hadn’t been this upset since that last time he got drunk and destroyed his apartment. This was not how things were supposed to go. They approached her, knew where she lived. He wanted to leave. He wanted to seek out Hux and Snoke and get blood on his hands. He was in a pure rage and panic, stomping back and forth on the wooden floor, fists tight. Maz and Rey exchanged worried glances. Rey slowly approached Kylo with her hands up.

 

“Hey. I’m ok, you know. They didn’t hurt me. Why don’t you sit down and take a breath?” she suggested.

 

At the sound of her voice, Kylo stopped pacing and tilted his head, listening to her.   _There is was again--that magic that she still had over him._ He glanced at her lifted hands and the worried expressions before him. Shame washed over him. He hated these moments when he felt so out of control.

 

Ben Solo had never been like this. _This_ aggression was all Snoke’s doing; encouraging him to let it flow through him and take over. Kylo felt completely defeated. He sat down in the nearest chair and slumped forward, head in his hands.

 

“I would never hurt you or Maz. I swear it. I’m sorry if I scared you,” Kylo whispered. He was embarrassingly close to tears, but refused to give in.  

 

He heard the tinkling sound of the beaded curtains being moved and a loud sigh from Rey. Kylo looked up in shock when Rey pulled up a chair right next to him and placed a hand on his back. Maz had retreated to the voodoo shop.

 

“For the record, I am still _very_ pissed at you. Kylo...what you did was creepy and fucked up. I’m not--just don’t expect me to come running back to you because I’m in danger. I agree that this may be something we need to handle together, but I need to make that clear to you,” Rey said calmly. “Do you understand?”

 

Kylo nodded. It was much more than he expected or deserved.

 

Rey dropped her hand and slumped in her chair. What began as a chuckle turned into a full blown belly laugh with Rey bent over clutching her stomach. Kylo wasn't sure what was funny and looked at her in shock. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and her laughter died down.

 

“Ah, I-I’m s-sorry,” she said, still trying to calm herself. “It's ridiculous, isn't it? All of it. How did this even happen? And you work with fabulous people, by the way,” she finished sarcastically.

 

At that, Kylo laughed. “Yeah, right.”

 

“Have you ever thought of just walking away? Take your loyal clients with you and start fresh? Give the old monster some competition,” Rey suggested.

 

“I have but my concern is what Snoke will do in retaliation. He could make me look guilty of something I had no part of. I feel like my hands are tied until he is gone. Then there is Hux teaming up with Natal. It's so fucked up, Rey.”

 

Rey agreed. “Yes, it's one helluva mess and I'm the middle of it. Thanks, man,” she laughed.

 

The curtains tinkled again as Maz came out to get them. “I'm ready. Follow me.”

 

Kylo and Rey exchanged an uneasy look and followed after her into the voodoo shop.

 

_What in the hell had he gotten himself into? Again?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my betas shwtlee and reylorobyn2011 <3  
> *sending you both big hugs*


	10. Do You Believe In Magic?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maz gets her voodoo on! Kylo makes a decision. And someone special drops by for a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :) I am so, so sorry for the delay. Writer’s block plus plain old procrastination is not a great combo. 
> 
> The rituals I included in this chapter are mostly from voodoo with a bit of hoodoo and witchcraft sprinkled in. I wanted Maz to focus on protection and banishment from evil, binding someone from doing harm to others and turning it back on themselves. 
> 
> Karma can do that for her and Snoke can rot from the inside out even faster.
> 
> All that being said, I'm not a voodoo practitioner by any means, soooo please don't try this at home, kids! In full disclosure these are the books I researched:  
> The New Orleans Voodoo Handbook by Kenaz Filan  
> The Voodoo Hoodoo Spellbook by Denise Alvarado
> 
> See also “writer who takes chapter way too seriously and drowns in research”

Kylo followed Maz and Rey behind the beaded curtain separating the cafe from the voodoo shop. It smelled of herbs like lavender and allspice and the light was just bright enough to see well--not harsh or glaring. The small tea table near the chairs had been replaced with a battered wooden one covered with different items: a white candle and a black one, rock salt, water, a red ribbon, different herbs, a small dark glass vial, two small leather bags, and a tiny figure made of wax. Maz picked up the little bottle as she instructed Kylo and Rey to sit down.  

 

“Ogou oil to protect from enemies and defend from evil influences,” Maz said casually. 

She opened the vial and tipped the liquid inside--olive oil with eucalyptus, rosemary and salt--on her pointer and middle fingers. Maz used her fingers to make a cross on Rey’s forehead then Kylo’s.   

 

“Protection from evil influences? Where have you been in my life, Maz?” Kylo quipped. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was in for and it made him nervous. Rey reassured him a small smile. 

 

The older woman, so tiny compared to him, looked at Kylo through her thick glasses. “ I’ve been here, big man. You are the one who was lost.”

 

Kylo had no comeback for that one. 

 

Maz rubbed the excess oil between her hands, making her dark skin glisten. “Right. Now for the interesting part.” 

 

She picked up the little wax figure and placed it in front of her on the table. “This poppet represents the murderous snake Kylo works for. I baptized it with Snoke’s name last night so it is charged and ready,” Maz explained. 

 

“You’re not going to kill him, are you Maz?” Rey asked her. Kylo had been wondering the same.

 

“No, I am not going to kill him. What I am going to do is bind him from doing harm to others and turn his evil upon himself. The darkness of his soul will begin to fester from the inside out.”

 

Kylo and Rey watched quietly as Maz went about her preparations. She added salt to water in a small dish. A black candle and a white candle were lit to “return evil to the sender.” She burned the frankincense and put the red ribbon next to the poppet. 

 

Maz sprinkled the salt water on the wax doll then held it up as she tied it firmly with the red ribbon around the mouth, hands and feet. “By the air and earth, water and fire, so be you, Zagan Snoke, bound as I desire.”

 

She set the poppet to the side. “Later, I will bury the poppet under a tree and secure it with a rock on top. Until then…” Maz picked up the two leather bags, one black and one gray, and began another ritual. 

 

“What are those?” Kylo asked. 

 

“These are gris-gris bags filled with herbs, crystals, and graveyard dust. I made one for each of you. I want you and Rey to keep these with you for protection. But first, I need to finish blessing them and give them life,” Maz explained. 

She breathed into one of the bags, then gently passed it through the flame of the candle and the incense before sprinkling the bag with the Ogou oil. Maz handed the black bag to Kylo then continued the ritual for Rey’s bag. 

 

Kylo held the bag in his hand and was tempted to open it. It smelled of herbs and when he shook it a little, he heard the distinctive sound of a rattlesnake rattle. “Nice,” he muttered to himself. 

 

“I’ll take whatever protection I can get,” Rey mused as she watched Kylo inspect his gris-gris bag. 

 

Maz finished up the second bag and handed it to Rey. “There. I think that should do well. Do not let your guard down because of what I have done tonight.”

 

“So that’s it? We’re done?” Kylo asked. He had thought there would be more to it, something flashier, more dramatic. 

 

“My part is done, at least for now. You two need to go home and get some rest. The crystals in your gris-gris should help clear the negativity from your mind and bring back balance and harmony. They will help clear your way,” Maz reassured them. 

 

Before knowing Rey, and Maz, Kylo would’ve called bullshit on that kind of stuff.  _ Now? _ Anything could be possible. Still, Kylo’s worry for Rey was still weighing heavy on his mind. He wished, just for a moment, that he could keep her close, personally keep her safe, but no. He’d blown his chance and then some. Kylo’s best option was to put his faith in Maz and trust Rey to take care of herself. 

 

Maz led Rey and Kylo out the door and wished them goodbye. “Keep me posted on anything that happens! Oh and Rey? It’s getting late. Why don’t you let Kylo take you home?”  

 

“Ah Maz, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

 

“I can handle myself, Maz. Besides, what if they’re watching?”

 

Maz only shrugged. “Then they will see the two of you being strong together. A united front. That should make them worry. Go now, and let this old woman get some rest.”

  
  
  


The door was closed and Rey and Kylo stood awkwardly on the sidewalk with the dim street light shining down on them. Not wanting to do or say the wrong thing, Kylo just stood there with his hands in his pockets, waiting for Rey to take the next step. Rey shivered and flipped her hood up.

 

“Well, let’s go before Maz gets onto us for not listening. I see you brought the Batmobile,” she said, looking at the Tesla roadster parked at the curb.

 

“It felt a little weird coming here again,” Kylo admitted. He held the passenger door open for Rey. 

 

“Very,” she said quietly. 

 

The drive to Rey’s place was silent and tense. Kylo didn't trust himself to start a conversation. He stole a glance at her when he could, admiring her lovely profile. Rey seemed deep in thought and stared out the window for most of the short drive. Upon reaching their destination, Rey seemed to hesitate for just a beat before opening the door. 

 

“Thank you for the ride, Kylo. I guess...you know, be safe. Keep your gris-gris with you.” She gave him a little smile. 

 

“You too, Rey. Please let me know if you anyone approaches you again.”

 

Rey nodded and walked to the entrance of her apartment building. He made sure she got inside without anyone following and drove off, hoping that Maz’s protection would actually work. 

  
  
  


When he arrived home, Kylo felt like he was in a daze from all the thoughts jumbled in his head. He went over to the wet bar where he still kept a variety of alcohol and stood there, looking at the different bottles. He wanted a drink but was afraid he wouldn’t stop at only one or two...or ten. After several minutes battling with his willpower, Kylo decided a scorching hot shower was what he really needed instead. One drink would definitely not be enough to quiet his thoughts and he wanted to stay sharp in the unlikely case that Rey would need him. 

 

Afterwards, he went straight to bed naked. He stared at the ceiling, feeling the cool sheets against his skin and letting the night’s events wash over him again. Maz’s words were on repeat:  _ Have you thought about going to Senator Organa?  _ Kylo couldn’t remember exactly the last time he had spoken to his mother or his father.  _ Months? Years? _ He knew they would probably not turn him down if he needed help and it filled him with shame. Kylo had tried to hate them for so long.  _ And for what? _ Snoke had taken Kylo’s insecurities and anger and twisted him into a cold monster. If it wasn’t for Rey, he would have remained stuck in the same self-destructive loop probably for the rest of his life. Not anymore. 

 

Kylo made two decisions before finally falling asleep: he needed to dump out the booze in his bar, and it was time to call to Leia. 

  
  
  
  


“Senator Organa’s office. Kaydel Connix, how may I help you?” the pleasant voice answered at his mother’s office. 

 

Kylo took a deep breath. “This is Ky--Ben Solo calling for the senator.”

 

There was a lengthy pause before the assistant answered. “Yes, sir. I’ll get her on the line for you.” 

 

While he waited, Kylo could imagine the gossip spreading throughout the office. He recognized his mother’s voice immediately. 

 

“What’s wrong, Ben?” The seasoned politician was not one to waste words.

 

“Senator. Leia. I’m sorry for bothering you but I--I really need your help.” Kylo felt like a child stumbling to get the words out. 

 

“When can we meet? I’d like to do this in person.” 

 

Kylo hesitated. The thought of facing his parents again made him break into a sweat.  He  _ had  _ to do this. Not just for himself but for Rey also. For a moment, he entertained what it would be like if Leia and Han could meet her. They would adore her--he was sure of it. 

 

“I’ll make the time for you,” he stated.

 

“How about the deli two blocks from my office? Say one o’clock?” 

 

Kylo agreed to the time and place. He knew he would be a nervous wreck until then.

 

“Oh, and Ben? Whatever it is, I’m glad you came to me.” Leia said in her goodbye. 

  
  
  


Without a word to anyone, Kylo had left his office over an hour early, watching to make sure he wasn’t being followed. He spent the extra time sitting in his car, debating how to tell Leia about the mess he’d gotten himself into. This was different from confessing to Maz. This was his mother. Anxiety washed over him and settled like a rock in his stomach.  _ Would she even consider trying to help him once she knew it all? _

 

He was startled out of his reverie by a knock on his passenger side window. All of 5’1, Leia stood there in a tailored suit and with an arched brow. Kylo wondered when gray had started streaking through her hair...and how much of it he was responsible for. Kylo got out of his vehicle and faced his mother for the first time in years. He may have towered over her, but at that moment, he felt like a little boy again, desperate for the acceptance and love he thought he’d been denied. 

 

“Hello, Ben. Or would you prefer Kylo?” Leia asked. Tight lipped at first, her features seemed to soften with her words. 

 

Kylo nodded his head in acknowledgement. Hearing the name Kylo coming from his mother just didn’t feel right. “I’m ok with Ben. How would you like me to address you?” 

 

She smiled sadly. “Leia is fine for now. Shall we?” She pointed towards the deli’s entrance. 

 

Kylo held the door open for her and followed her inside the business where they sat at a quiet corner table. Neither one of them had the appetite for anything heavier than coffee. He had to clear his throat before speaking. 

 

“I should start with an apology for not speaking to you all this time. I...my life, it’s been…” He felt dangerously close to tears and lowered his head, cursing at how his chin began to wobble. “I really fucked up, Leia. A lot. A friend encouraged me to ask you for help. I understand if you don’t…” 

 

Leia interrupted, “Slow down, Ben. One thing at a time.”

 

Her hand, tiny compared to his, settled on his arm in comfort. For the first time as an adult, Kylo acknowledged his mother’s love--and welcomed it. His anxiety eased.

 

“Falling in with Snoke was a mistake. I never should have let him into my life, let him turn me against my family. He is not a good man and he tried to make me just like him,” Kylo confessed. “I want to leave First Order but Snoke won’t allow it without a fight.”

 

His mother stared at him thoughtfully. “Do you really want to leave, Ben? If you do, I can help. But can I trust you?”

 

_ All or nothing.  _ “Snoke threatened the woman I love. I’m still trying to keep her safe from him...and me. Snoke taught me that I could take whatever I wanted so that’s what I did with Rey. No, not like that. Never,” Kylo answered the unspoken question on Leia’s face. 

 

This was the part of his confession that he had dreaded the most yet he knew telling it all would convince Leia of his sincerity to change. She looked surprised and nodded for him to continue. 

 

“The moment I saw her, I wanted her. Rey was just another possession for me to own. I learned everything I could about her, followed her. Watched her without her knowledge or consent. Eventually, I manipulated my way into her life and we started dating. We became close but then Snoke threatened her and I had to make a choice. I thought pushing her away would protect her. It didn’t.”

 

Kylo met Leia’s eyes, assuming he would see anger and disgust. What he saw was much worse: disappointment and sadness.

 

Leia shook her head and sighed. “Our family is far from perfect, Ben, but dammit I know I raised you to be a better man than that. Does this young woman know what you did?” 

 

“Yes, she knows everything,” he replied, remembering the anguish on Rey’s face when he’d told her.  

 

“Do you truly love her?” Leia asked him. She looked into Kylo’s eyes as if gauging the sincerity of his answer. 

 

Kylo’s answer came straight from his heart. “More than anything. I would protect her with my last breath.”

 

A bright smile broke out on Leia’s face and determination gleamed in her eyes. “Great answer, Ben. As for Snoke and First Order Industries, there has been an open investigation for some time now. Gathering solid evidence of corruption takes time. Let me see what I can do. Are you prepared to cooperate?”

 

“Absolutely.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to @shwtlee2reylo and @reylorobyn2011 for being my betas.

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to my betas @shwtlee2reylo and @reylorobyn2011  
> Come on over and say hi @noriselly


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